We've got to treat Mother Earth like a beautiful woman; appreciate her delicate features, stroke her icy cold exterior now and again and gaze adoringly at her curvaceous outline while coveting her inner beauty.
At the moment, we are dry humping her leg, whispering in her ear with our tobacco tainted breath and dipping into her purse while her back's turned to steal money for our all-consuming habit.
Our addiction is energy, and far from our dealers being shady characters in the corner of nightclubs they are in our press, on our TVs and knocking on our doors at ungodly hours. They are in our homes and on the tip of your tongue. Your Uncle John used to work for them. They are energy companies.
Sadly, we are going to see a lot more of these devious bastards, because the energy industry as we know it is going through a massive change. The Government's Energy Review and the much awaited - and hugely biased - Stern Report warn of blackouts, cold snaps, energy shortages and frozen grannies, reaching for the thermostat. This combination of environmental and energy issues is snowballing together to make one huge avalanche that is going to screw us all.
2010 the UK will stop relying on the oil and gas from our own murky waters and will start importing on a huge scale - to the tune of 80% of our requirements. In short, unless we lay off the gas and look to other types of fuel, we are going to be solely dependent on Russia for our energy in three years time - the environment minister, Malcolm Wicks, has expressed his "terror and fear" at the way we are going.
Personally, Mr Wicks, I am more terrified by the propaganda that is being drip-fed to us about the current situation. The threat of carbon emissions choking our children before they fucking freeze to death helps paint a picture of immeasurable doom - unless we can find a way of generating energy that is clean and cheap, that is.
Enter nuclear fission. It seems ridiculous to bring this glowing two headed monster back to the table, given the well documented problems of nuclear waste, and the fact that for the price of ten nuclear power stations we could outfit every home in Britain with ten solar panels. But this government (and every government is after fast answers.
They aren't stupid though. The only way the Bad Boy of energy generation will get given a chance by the oh-so-green public is if we are under the impression that there is nothing else left to do. And it won't cost us as much. This is the six point fiction that's coming to a television near you in the immediate future: A. Windfarms are horribly inefficient - and expensive.
B. We need something that doesn't emit carbon.
C. We need something that means we can be totally self-sufficient.
D. We don't want to have to rely on the Russians.
E. We don't want to use up any more finite resources.
F. We want lower energy bills.
Never mind that we don't control the supply of uranium (D) and that it will run out 2900 years before the waste becomes safe. (If the world switched to nuclear power the stuff would last just 3 years.) No, the UK government has more pressing concerns and these are dictated by? You guessed it: Energy Companies.
Needless to say these companies are like slavering dogs trying to get to the big, juicy fusion reactor behind the door, but softly, softly, catchy monkey, says Mr Blair. Build the fear and watch them crumble is a tried and tested strategy in first world politics.
This columnists humble opinion? We'll have a couple of years of will-we-wont-we energy shortages and manage to hang on by a thread. Energy companies will bump up the price of fuel, once again, citing wholesale prices/low supply/pesky Russians. By April next year a paper will be passed around parliament from one grubby little hand to another, saying Nuclear energy is, as far as they can see, the only option to stop this glorious Kingdom freezing over. Your bills will drop and your heaters will stay warm, your grand children will have 14 fingers, but that's all the better for playing their Playstation 3, Isn't it?
First published 7 December 2006
At the moment, we are dry humping her leg, whispering in her ear with our tobacco tainted breath and dipping into her purse while her back's turned to steal money for our all-consuming habit.
Our addiction is energy, and far from our dealers being shady characters in the corner of nightclubs they are in our press, on our TVs and knocking on our doors at ungodly hours. They are in our homes and on the tip of your tongue. Your Uncle John used to work for them. They are energy companies.
Sadly, we are going to see a lot more of these devious bastards, because the energy industry as we know it is going through a massive change. The Government's Energy Review and the much awaited - and hugely biased - Stern Report warn of blackouts, cold snaps, energy shortages and frozen grannies, reaching for the thermostat. This combination of environmental and energy issues is snowballing together to make one huge avalanche that is going to screw us all.
2010 the UK will stop relying on the oil and gas from our own murky waters and will start importing on a huge scale - to the tune of 80% of our requirements. In short, unless we lay off the gas and look to other types of fuel, we are going to be solely dependent on Russia for our energy in three years time - the environment minister, Malcolm Wicks, has expressed his "terror and fear" at the way we are going.
Personally, Mr Wicks, I am more terrified by the propaganda that is being drip-fed to us about the current situation. The threat of carbon emissions choking our children before they fucking freeze to death helps paint a picture of immeasurable doom - unless we can find a way of generating energy that is clean and cheap, that is.
Enter nuclear fission. It seems ridiculous to bring this glowing two headed monster back to the table, given the well documented problems of nuclear waste, and the fact that for the price of ten nuclear power stations we could outfit every home in Britain with ten solar panels. But this government (and every government is after fast answers.
They aren't stupid though. The only way the Bad Boy of energy generation will get given a chance by the oh-so-green public is if we are under the impression that there is nothing else left to do. And it won't cost us as much. This is the six point fiction that's coming to a television near you in the immediate future: A. Windfarms are horribly inefficient - and expensive.
B. We need something that doesn't emit carbon.
C. We need something that means we can be totally self-sufficient.
D. We don't want to have to rely on the Russians.
E. We don't want to use up any more finite resources.
F. We want lower energy bills.
Never mind that we don't control the supply of uranium (D) and that it will run out 2900 years before the waste becomes safe. (If the world switched to nuclear power the stuff would last just 3 years.) No, the UK government has more pressing concerns and these are dictated by? You guessed it: Energy Companies.
Needless to say these companies are like slavering dogs trying to get to the big, juicy fusion reactor behind the door, but softly, softly, catchy monkey, says Mr Blair. Build the fear and watch them crumble is a tried and tested strategy in first world politics.
This columnists humble opinion? We'll have a couple of years of will-we-wont-we energy shortages and manage to hang on by a thread. Energy companies will bump up the price of fuel, once again, citing wholesale prices/low supply/pesky Russians. By April next year a paper will be passed around parliament from one grubby little hand to another, saying Nuclear energy is, as far as they can see, the only option to stop this glorious Kingdom freezing over. Your bills will drop and your heaters will stay warm, your grand children will have 14 fingers, but that's all the better for playing their Playstation 3, Isn't it?
First published 7 December 2006
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