It's that time again.
There are many reasons to dislike Christmas: its consumerist message of unnecessary over-consumption, the age old Christmas Blues, the vitriolic dislike for family members, the scathing nihilism of religious ties or perhaps a winning combination of all of these qualities. Granted, there are a one or two positives to Christmas - food and booze. However, why choose to celebrate these vices over just one short period when some of us prefer to indulge throughout the entire year? What's with the mind-numbing process of lazily signing 100 ugly Christmas cards "To ?? \/ Love Dave" that end up in the bin, or the money draining panic of what to buy your aged next door neighbour that can't remember your name?
So if the thought of the chaos on Oxford Street as November dawns leaves you queasy, the sound of a Christmas jingle leaves you wishing you were aurally impaired, and the taste of hot mulled wine turns your stomach, then you've come to the right place. Throw that hideous stocking on the fire, banish all that's red and green, and follow our anti-Christmas guide...
Spend time with someone that appreciates you
Why spend a miserable Christmas with the family when there are people, or more importantly creatures, out there that would appreciate and prefer your love and attention? You could feed the penguins at London Zoo for example. Penguins are so much better than people: you can tell them all your beef, and instead of answering back, they’ll just waddle and flap away.
Celebrate with other twisted people
If the sound of 'The Twelve Days of Christmas' makes you throw up in your mouth a little, then why not head down to The Leicester Square Theatre to check out Jim Jefferies’ notoriously offensive stand-up show Alchoholocaust? This may sound like Auntie Nora’s post Christmas dinner ‘party trick’ but we promise it’s really quite funny…
Contemplate ending of it all
Well not exactly... Why dwell on a ‘miracle birth’ in a stable when the ever-present fact of mortality is all around us? Indulge your dark cynical sense of humour at The Jack Bell Gallery, where you'll find Paa Joe’s collection of unusual and inventive novelty coffins throughout this festive season. Perhaps one to take your gran to after mulled wine and mince pies?
Hang the Bastard
No, this isn’t a command; although it might be what you feel like doing when you’ve heard Wham’s ‘Last Christmas’ for the twentieth time. Luckily there are plenty of gigs on to help channel your seasonal rage… Hang The Bastard play a free gig at the Old Blue Last on Friday 10th December that’ll melt your face off, and with a new single entitled ‘Hellfire Reign’ to launch, it seems designed perfectly for your most Scrooge-like needs.
The poetically named Municipal Waste also play Islington’s O2 Academy on December 17th, which promises some thrash therapy for all the family. For more gigs check out Spoonfed’s Live Music section and search death metal or similar.
Go to an alternative Christmas clubbing event
What could be further from sitting cosily by the fire than taking your chances in a fetish dungeon complete with its very own ‘grope corridor’? Well, if you fancy it, there’s Club Rub’s Christmas Bling special. This is one Christmas party where it won't necessarily be the turkey getting all the stuffing. Forget all your troubles and squeeze into PVC, don your whip and do as you will. No one need know either, as for the closet fetishers there are changing facilities where you can swap your novelty Christmas jumpers for something a bit spankier.. Phew!
If you need something sooner, the crew at Candelazo are putting on a night of reggaeton, upbeat merengue and salsa grooves on 17th December to melt away those frosty feelings. For plenty more suggestions check out the Spoonfed Clubbing section.
Cause a ruckus in your Santa suit
If you’ve somehow run out of excuses not to go to any fancy dress evenings, then brace yourself for a whole load of fairies, fat Santas and the occasional comedy elf. If you're stuck on outfit ideas and wish to apply your pent up cynicism to a costume, then why not turn Christmas on its head and subvert your traditional Santa suit into something a little less tasteful? Santanarchy describes Santa suits as "glorified felt-like garments guaranteed to absorb blood, mud, puke, urine and phlegm ... all the while keeping you toasty warm." Lost for events to test out your new Santa suit at? We've got plenty.
The moral of the story is: whether you like Christmas or not, getting shitfaced is the answer.
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