Emma McAlpine chats to the riotously-funny Kiwi stand-up about his namesake day.
Who better to interview for a Christmas comedy feature than Mr Jarred Christmas himself? And yes, that is his real name. We had a lot of fun with Jarred earlier on this week when he battled through the snowstorm to pose for some festive pictures in Spoonfed Towers. As well as gamely stripping off for the shoot and coming up with some helpful suggestions for facial expressions ("Should I do my poo face?"), he also took some time out to tell us what Christmas means to him. Apart from general name confusion that is.
On Christmas with the in-laws...
Christmas over here is so different. In New Zealand we have a big BBQ, get loads of mates over and sit outside in glorious sunshine. But I like being in just the one cosy room over here with board games and a big turkey. My wife, my baby and I go to my in-laws place for Christmas. They have a massive house in Bath Spa which is pretty cool and it always gets snowed in. I think they’ve accepted me now. The middle-class English family has accepted the Kiwi colonial. The first time they ever saw me, I’d only been dating my wife for two months and just before going on, Amelia said to me “Can you tone down the swearing a little bit?” and I said “Yep, I can totally do that” and then my opening line pretty much went like this: “Hey Bath, how’s it fucking going you fuckers?! Let’s get this fucking gig started!”
On having a comedy name...
I find my name funny around this time of year because whenever I’m standing next to people who are talking about Christmas, I think they’re talking about me. The other day I was checking into a hotel with a massive Christmas tree in reception and this guy walked in and went "WHOA, IT’S CHRISTMAS!” I thought it was another comic, so I did a big turnaround with a stupid grin on my face and it was just a man and his wife staring at the tree. Good times.
On Christmas duties...
My in-laws are sensitive to the fact I’m not with my family so there’s no pressure put on me to help out. I hated Christmas initially over here because I’d get my one present which would be a jumper and I’d watch everyone else opening up their copious amounts of presents going “Oh my God this is exactly what I wanted!” Now that I’ve got my own family, Christmas has taken on a different meaning.
On presents...
I don’t want to sound arrogant but I’m pretty good at buying presents. The secret is to just listen to people. You need to get out of your mind what you think is amazing and think about what they’re into. I don’t always get it right and of course there are times when I insist on buying my father-in-law a Mr Potato Head because it will be weird and quite funny.
On games...
I love a good board game. Balderdash is my favourite. But never play The Weakest Link. I was staying with my relations over Christmas once and we all voted my other cousin off because we were drunk and thought it would be funny and he got really angry about it. Then my other cousin who was playing Anne Robinson said a put-down to him and he flipped out. He was shouting, she was shouting, so I just slowly slipped out of the room and joined someone watching an Eastenders special. I’ve never got that about you British. Coronation Street and Eastenders are two of the most depressing programmes around and you have to put them on one of the happiest days of the year. It’s a very British thing. ‘We’re having such a great time, let’s watch some depressing shit on telly.”
On festive tipples...
I hate port. I love whiskey and hot toddies. I went pheasant hunting once although I didn’t get to hold a gun or any of that cool shit. I was given a stick and told to beat a tree. But one guy brought out a flask with a hot toddy in it and it was pretty good.
His best Christmas yet...
I proposed to my wife on Christmas Eve. We were playing Balderdash and it kicked off between my wife and her older sister. She stormed off to her room and I was left helping my brother in law assemble a German wooden pram that they’d bought online for their daughter. An hour later, we realised we couldn’t put it together so I decided to go upstairs to see Amelia. I had the ring in my pocket and I thought I’d go in and talk to her for a bit and then propose.
But the first thing she did when I walked in was to throw my phone at me and say “Who, the fuck is Pip?!” I’d got a text from a friend of mine called Pip saying: “Have an amazing Christmas, kiss kiss.” Her new boyfriend is called Jason and his name was next to mine on her phone so she’d texted the wrong person. I told Amelia this, but she’d been stewing on it for an hour and turned her back on me saying “This has been the worst Christmas Eve ever!” so I said “Would it improve things if I asked you to marry me?” Then I went down on one knee and got the ring out. She started crying and got a bit upset because everyone had gone to bed and she couldn’t tell anyone! So that made for a pretty good Christmas Day.
Jarred Christmas will be hosting Time Out Live's Christmas Cracker also featuring Stephen K Amos, Milton Jones, Rufus Hound, Tim Key and Seann Walsh at the Lyric Shaftesbury on Monday 6th December.
Photo credit: Alex Brenner
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