Spare a thought for Sam Simmons this Christmas. The Australian comic is stuck in London performing his new (Edinburgh Award nominated) show. Which is good news for us but not so good for him – he's all on his own! Here are his 12 Days of Christmas.
On the first day of Xmas my true love gave to me...
NOTHING!!!!, nothing but blackness and despair, as she has left me alone to cry in a cold London flat, wanking tears into the beige shag pile carpet beneath my soiled feet as I wait for my frozen Marks and Spencer ready meal to thaw in the basin in the bathroom of my doom.
I hope you choke on tinsel you slut.
On the second day of Xmas my true love remembered and sent me the futon mattress she lost her virginity on...awwwww
On the third day of Xmas my true love gave to me...
Socks...what a cunt!
On the fourth day of Xmas my true love gave to me...
Smash Hits '88 on cassette, featuring The Bangles, Check 1-2, Bros AND Mel and Kim!!!! Respectable!!!
On the fifth day of Xmas my true love gave to me...
A half eaten Peri Peri chicken from Nandos, I really didn’t mind as I was pretty hungry, she also hid a little plastic army guy inside it too!!
On the sixth day of Xmas my true love gave to me...
Some kind of rash, I put some cream on it, so I hope it clears up by St Wenceslas day.
On the seventh day of Xmas my true love gave to me...
A Toblerone with only three pyramids remaining, and not even one of those big duty free airport ones, it was a mini vending machine one, what a tart.
On the eighth day of Xmas my true love gave to me...
A gram of ketamine hidden in a Kinder surprise egg shoved up the arse of a vintage teddy bear. It’s the thought that counts, but who the fuck does ketamine anymore?
On the ninth day of Xmas my true love gave to me...
The Friends box set on DVD.
On the tenth day of Xmas my true love gave to me...
A home-made Viennetta!!! It was the size of a Suzuki Vitara fun top! What a woman.
On the eleventh day of Xmas my true love gave to me...
A hand shandy behind the gym shed at my primary school, it was weird, thrilling, dirty and kind of disappointing.
On the twelfth day of Xmas my true love gave to me...
More socks.
Side note: how weird is the spelling of the word twelfth????
Have a nice holiday, if you’re lucky enough to get one.
Sam Simmons: Meanwhile is at the Soho Theatre from Wednesday 14th December-Saturday 7th January 2012.
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