Salvamus Balneum! Clubbers turn out to expose latest Olympic Fiasco

Salvamus Balneum! Clubbers turn out to expose latest Olympic Fiasco

31 March, 2009
by: Joe Harrod

We take in a new nightclub on the outskirts of the Olympic project in Deptford – or perhaps I should say, a very old one? Either way, this colossal venue looks set to cause London a headache – and not just because of noise levels.

Last week, Australian excavation teams laying foundations for the hammer-throwing spectator stand in the south-eastern corner of the Olympic projects came across something 2012 planners have been dreading since ground was first broken: remains of archaeological significance. It seems that around 50 AD, Roman dignitaries used the springs of Deptford as an excuse to build a vast complex for bathing, feasting and dancing: a dissipated latter-day Matter, if you will.

However, the story doesn't end there. If our sources are to be believed, the initial response from developers to this significant find was – ignore it. Luckily for London's cultural heritage, but unluckily for the Olympics Minister Tessa Jowell, it transpires that one of the Aussie diggers by name of Rufus Winthrop was a keen amateur historian. He takes up the story.

'I knew right away they were trying it on. Word came back it was an old pool from '30s bombed in the Blitz, but I could tell the brickwork was, like, ancient. I've seen Roman remains before, inter-railing and that...'

Getting wind of a cover up, local anti-Olympic lobbyists have taken up the cause of the baths and look set to delay the field sports building project by months, and incur millions in extra costs. Local author Iain Sinclair and artist Gavin Turk are among those local figures throwing their weight behind the campaign to save the baths.

In typical guerrilla fashion, they've set up a pop-up nightclub designed by Ozwald Boateng, with a menu created by Gary Rhodes and a roster of celebrity DJs planning to visit – all to draw attention to this historically significant site and force a re-routing of spectator bottoms upon Olympic planners. Guests are encouraged to wear togas and a makeshift dancefloor actually protects the site of the excavation. Among those sporting bedsheets and wreath crowns and dancing to a soundtrack of locally-sourced grime at the official launch last night were art activists Gilbert and George and political footballers and longstanding anti-development activists Rio and Anton Ferdinand.

Tessa Jowell's office has issued a blanket denial, claiming 'we haven't heard of any toga parties... the so called remains are in fact a job-lot of continental bricks abandoned on the outskirts of the site without permission by a construction firm named Trotters Inc'.

When we called his office this morning, Mayor Boris Johnson didn't know how to react.

'Ho Ho,' he stalled, 'Well I don't know what to say really. On the one hand, anything that brings more pain to Tessa and Labour is great. But on the other hand as Mayor I'm semi-responsible for the whole mess. Oh, I don't know... Wait a minute! What day is this?'

Save the baths! Click here to sign the petition.

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Joe Harrod