Go...Underground In Hackney

This week's itinerary is an irreverent up-yours to the perpetually sickening bastions of authority who claim to represent our interests. The day's activities will cut a racing line through what is considered socially acceptable and head straight for the deviant underbelly which bristles with fleas just below the surface of any capital city. Let's laugh in the face of the law for a few hours and see what happens. Most of the recommendations are free – or they are the way you're going to approach them. The undercurrent of anarchy and dissidence will gently alleviate any rage you feel towards The Powers That Be and allow you to dip your toe into the dark underworld patronized by squatters and free party ragamuffins to see how the other half live. Good luck Comrade.

Before leaving your house you will need:

Shades – absolutely crucial. Later you'll be emerging blinking like a newborn into the harsh wilds of Hackney Wick. It's essential to avoid unwanted eye contact with normal members of society at this difficult stage.
A pair of gloves, preferably leather – or cycling gloves with padded palms.
A swim suit. And some emo-style long wrist warmers.
A mask or some sort of disguise which can be hastily removed and stashed.
Some item of fancy dress – keep it in your bag for now. Pick one or two: hat, (trilby, top hat, bowler), waistcoat, wig, braces, tutu, tail coat etc.
Notebook and pen.
Comfortable shoes which you can run in.
Hip flask. With some liquor in it ideally.
Your wing man: another crucial item. Embarking on this intrepid voyage alone would be foolhardy at best.

Your first mission – should you choose to accept it – is to break in to Lovebox Festival. This is no mean feat but you can do it. Remember that the majority of stewards genuinely don't care – they're people like you who don't want to pay the inflated price for a festival ticket. Also remember that the majority of security guards are paid to stand around all day for a reason. They are not famed for their quick wits. It's worth noting though that their raison d'etre is to catch a pesky little blighter such as yourself and they will show no mercy.

You have two options. One - jump the fence. This is guaranteed to ensure you an absolutely blinding time at the festival as you'll be off your tits on adrenalin all day. There is a slim chance you'll get beaten up so think about this carefully. Wear gloves to protect your hands. Don your disguise and be prepared to rip it off once you're in. Use the cover of some foliage – there are lots of trees surrounding the site. Or jump over behind a stall - and run like hell once you're in – preferably into the middle of a crowd of people. Add fancy dress and wrist warmers to conceal your lack of wristband.

Option two – this only works if you have a sympathetic friend already going to the festival – get them to have their wristband attached fairly loosely to their wrist enabling them to slip it off and onto yours to get you through the gate.

Last Resort: buy a ticket off a tout. There will be loads milling about smoking and looking smug and unshaven by the gates. Haggle hard. But be aware you may end up paying face value. So, fingers crossed you spend the day frolicking in the Lovebox arena being entertained by the festival professionals who put the event together. Get amongst it! But don't forget to wear your wrist warmers even if it's hot. They will deter any security guard who may notice you are an illegal Lovebox immigrant.

After Manu Chao has finished, hot foot it down to graffiti-adorned pub the Lord Napier just beside Hackney Wick station where a delicious party will be fizzing away. Tonight is the wildly unofficial, semi-legal, dual-purpose Lovebox afterparty and Secret Garden Party Warm Up: Secretly Loving Gardening In A Box. It's only a fiver to get in and Brothers Bab and Stamford Hill Gun Club are playing – as well as all manner of storming DJs. You can smoke where you like and the place is virtually lawless. It won't stop till you do.

The night will pass in a flash, as great parties tend to. Roll out at 7am reeling with your circus of favourite fiends. Try not to fall over or get arrested at this stage. Now is definitely the time to wear those shades. Meander along the Regents Canal to London Fields for a dip in the Lido. You can wash all that free party scum from your quivering limbs and hang out in the shallows all day. Just try not to look too hammered on the way in or they may just refuse you. Best remove some of the fancier items of your dress. Chances are you'll be flagging a bit by now. Refill your hip flask from one of the many off licenses in Hackney and head over to The Dolphin on Mare Street for a much needed pint, pie and debrief of the days proceedings. Get your notebook out and scribble down a few impressions. Extra points for rhyming couplets – you'll be needing them later.

Hackney is a haven for creatives; a breeding ground where alternative culture festers and morphs into wild and unexpected delights. Stroll over to Lower Clapton Road where you'll see street art by Banksy, Alphabeat and others. Jump on the number 55 back towards Old Street, keep those shades on and shuffle in behind someone who's paying – touching in is for mugs. Go up onto the top deck and keep an eye on the top of the bus stops for the Spikey Things!

Jump off at Brick Lane and check out street art exhibit Perplexed In Public (whilst trying not to look too perplexed at the rash of black posters covering the area). Buy a bagel for under a quid and make your way over to The Foundry for a cheap beer and a Free Poetry Slam. Now is the time to get your notebook out and frankly review what you have written before reading it out to a room full of strangers. Go well my friend. Then go home and collapse.