Well, it had to happen – Cheryl Cole's new single is so bad, it's quite literally off the scale.
Yuck – Rubber
Fat Possom
Stylistically Yuck are a hard band to pin down. Whereas on their previous single ‘Georgia’ they sounded remarkably like Yo La Tengo, their album’s lead single ‘Rubber’ is a seven-minute noise-fest of which Thurston et all would be proud.
Sometimes you can’t help feeling Yuck aren’t really sure how they ought to sound, but with tracks as good as ‘Rubber’ who really cares? It could last another seven minutes and I’d still be about to press the replay button. 5/5
SJ
Crystal Stilts – Shake The Shackles
Slumberland
If there's been one band that has been consistently awesome over the past few years, then it’s been Crystal Stilts. A hodge-podge of down-beat Joy Division vocals, a teeny bit of shoegaze and eerie Brian Jonestown Massacre-style psychedelia, they pretty much represent all that is good and righteous in the world.
‘Shake the Shackles’ is meant to be a taster for a brand new 7” that they’ll be releasing in early 2011. If it’s anywhere near as good as this, then maybe every other band planning on putting out a record next year should just give up now. 4.8/5
DH
Rihanna – Only Girl (In The World)
Def Jam
Produced by Stargate, the new single from Ri-Ri has all of her trademarks – sullen sex appeal, hands in the air choruses and the words 'THIS WILL BE NUMBER 1' stamped all over it.
Clearly she's been spending a lot of time with BFF Katie Perry, whose electro pop sound has seeped in enough to bring out Rihanna's fun side, a departure from her more recent mean and moody output. Expect this to soundtrack your Saturday nights until further notice. 3/5
LM
Rapids! – Fuses
Heist or Hit
The single off Rapids!' self-titled EP is a strangely catchy little number whose warm synths add depth to the generally bouncy feel. The lead singer's strained voice lends a desperate feel – transmitting a real sense of passion to the listener.
The breakdown in the middle is a particular highlight, gently but skilfully building to a deceptive crescendo, before unleashing the powerful last verse. 3/5
LG
The Stand – I’ll Be There
Acid Jazz
Apparently this is the oldest football song in the world and used to be sung by Welsh miners. Now it’s been recorded for the first time by a gang of Welshmen with members of The Super Furry Animals, Funeral for a Friend and Catatonia representing. I’m only sad they didn’t get Tom Jones involved…
No. I'm not going to take the piss out of a single that’s to raise money for a tribute to former Cardiff captain Fred Keenor who captained the team to the FA Cup despite having been injured twice in the Battle of the Somme and being told he’d never play again. A stomping Pogues-y singalong celtic anthem, This makes James Corden and Dizzee Rascal’s England World Cup effort look plain embarrassing… 2.5/5
AH
Tim Berg – Seek Bromance
Data Records
The video for this track begins tamely enough, with two guys and their girl friend heading off on a road trip, the wind in their hair and joy in their hearts. It's all soundtracked by a hackneyed house number, so paint-by-numbers as to be completely uninspiring. You can imagine off-their-face teens going mental to this "massive choon" in the clubs.
Unfortunately, the video will probably get this song more attention than it deserves, as it eventually descends into a three-way between the three friends. Classy! 2/5
SB
Cheryl Cole – Promise This
Polydor
Why does Cheryl Cole have lyrics from classic children's song 'Alouette' on her track? Partly as an admission that her music is designed solely for children or those with the mental age of children. Partly so that her "new" tune is instantly familiar.
But mostly because the lyrics of said kids' song concern the systematic plucking of feathers from various body parts of a tiny little songbird, and listening to this is enough to make you want to pluck the hair, ears, and eyes from your own body in an effort to cleanse yourself of its vile corruption. Can't say she didn't warn you. -3/5
TO
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