Be warned, it doesn't look like a classic year.
John Cage – 4:33
Wall of Sound
John Cage's seminal '4:33' is a work of genius. An aural response to Robert Rauschenberg's 'blank' paintings, it's probably the most famous piece of avant garde music ever performed. At its core it challenges concepts of what actually constitutes music.
So yeah, it's genius that makes you contemplate the very definition of music or that twat off X Factor who's probably getting mad pussy as we speak. Seems like a no brainer to me, but then it's at times like this that one realises how much of the population are in fact no brainers. 5/5
TO
The Trashmen – Surfin' Bird
Sundazed
"Oh have you not heard? It was my understanding that everyone had heard?" As far as Christmas number ones go, 'Surfin' Bird' is about as inappropriate as Gary Jules and his dreams of dying in '06.
But that's why I love it, not least because it's the subject of one of my favourite Family Guy episodes ever, as Peter drives his family insane playing the hideously annoying record. So forget X Factor, forget silence. This Christmas, the bird is, most definitely, the word. 4/5
EM
Gamu Nhenghu – Where Will You Sleep This Christmas
Aberlour Child Care Trust
With a suitable amount of twinkly instruments (chimes, a children's choir and a cluster of bells) to remind us it definitely IS Christmas, Gamu could be in with a chance. Not to mention the whole deportation fiasco.
Anyway we actually really like Gamu and were right behind her to be in the X Factor and with classic lines like, "Where will you be when the presents are opened?" (thanks to Cheryl probs not in England) what more could you want? And nothing would make us happier than to see her beat recent X Factor winner, Matt Cardle. Go go Gamu! 4/5
JD
Xander Rawlins – 1000 Miles Apart
Locomotion Entertainment
Whilst I'd love to claim that the first single I ever bought was by a seminal band of my time, it was in fact 'The Gift of Christmas' by The Childliners. I bought it in mid-January.
Here is one of the charity singles on offer for this year's Christmas chart, from serviceman Xander Rawlins with a song about his experience in the army. Buy this as well as 'Cage Against The Machine', and you'll have done a very nice thing. 2/5
CW
Ellie Goulding – Your Song
Polydor
This version of the much covered 'Your Song' by Elton John loses none of the original's poetic charm, and Goulding's voice is enchanting. However, this is sadly not quite enough to pull it through. Plus, her irritating habit of over-enunciating each word and the out of place oohs towards the end spoil it somewhat.
I'm also a bit baffled as to why there was a need for a cover in the first place; it's just not that different from the original. 2/5
LG
Coldplay – Christmas Lights
Polydor
Oh great. Chris Martin and Co. are back again with some vaguely hopeful Christmas tat that mentions snow about a 1000 times whilst droning on about finding redemption for some nameless wrong through late-night shopping in Oxford Street.
I mean, seriously, who buys this stuff? The only thing it seems good for is to soundtrack the schmaltzy montage at the end of Jamie Oliver’s latest where he’s drizzling his chestnut gravy over his beautifully roasted goose. BORING! 1/5
DH
Paul Simon – Getting Ready For Christmas Day
Concord Music Group
Well, this is hardly uplifting. After mentioning that Christmas causes money troubles, there's something or other about Iraq, then lotsa repeats of 'getting ready'. In between the verses and choruses there's some vague church sermons mumblings with interjections from the congregation (all three of them) which go something like this: "Getting ready (yeah) Christmas day (mm-hm) mumble mumble (o yeah)".
No, Mr Simon. Getting ready involves cooking, presents, decorating and general jolliness. Cheer up! 1.5/5
EB
Matt Cardle – When We Collide
SyCo
So lonely, middle-aged women across the UK got their way last night, as Mediocre Matt won X Factor 2010. Naturally, I’m thrilled that we have another whiny, oh-so-sensitive, indie loving pub singer (-songwriter?) to bore us witless in James Morrison’s absence. But at least he can play guitar, right? He has integrity.
Conversely, everyone is saying Biffy Clyro have forfeited any integrity they once had by letting him cover their song. But let’s face it, they were always pretty crap weren’t they. 0.5/5
SJ
Train – Shake Up Christmas
Columbia
Suffering the effects of the global recession? Don't worry, Train will cheer you up! They've got sleigh bells and ho-ho-hos and a non threatening electro pop tune that's all about spreading joy in tough economic times. Awww.
Wait a sec...isn't this the song from the Coca Cola advert? A cynically released Christmas cash in to ensure that singer Pat Monahan has a big fat goose adorning his festive table? Ah, so I guess we're not all in this together then? Thanks for killing the spirit of Christmas guys. 0/5
LM
Merry Christmas everyone - here, have a present from some crazy Russians.
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