A round-up of World Cup anthems featuring Joachim Löw, Cola wars, sentimental Americans and more dodgy shirts and African Choirs than Paul Simon's 'Graceland'.
Jessy Matador – Allez, Ola Olé
Wagram Music
“Tout le monde bouger toute la journée!” Jessy Matador commands as he takes part in a frenzied afro beat keep-fit class in a gleaming white all in one. Wow. It's a raucous little number which basically relentlessly repeats “Allez, Ola Olé” along with other indecipherable, utterly French grunts.
As football songs go it makes you want to move, move, move and not emotionally embrace/punch the nearest beer-bellied sloshed man in the boozer. Plus it came 12th in the Eurovision song contest. Beats our nil points any day. 4.5/5
LR
Shakira – Waka Waka (This Time For Africa)
RCA
Warriors make the call to battle as Shakira's voice kicks in. Quintessentially South African guitar and rhythms join up with backing vocals deep and sweet whilst Freshly Ground's Zolani makes an appearance and she's just lovely.
A bizarre mix of Colombia, Cameroon and SA, but energy personified. I wonder at Shakira as choice of vocalist, but hey, why not? Throw in a line of Spanish and voila; you've got a global nation. Love it. 4/5
SC
Terry Venables – If I Can Dream
Sony
Well I like it, my Mum likes it, maybe you will too, and your Mum. It's a positive, fun and uplifting Elvis cover delivered with enthusiasm and complete humility. In a time when patriotism is viewed as increasingly "un-P.C." this is balls-out patriotism at its least compromising, courtesy of The Sun newspaper.
Starring the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra and with backing vocals from Ian Wright and Harry Redknapp, if the England team actually heard this before they played then maybe we'd stand a chance of winning. Probably not though. 4/5
RS
K’Naan – Waving Flag
Polydor/Coca Cola
A K'Naan is much like a Peshwari Naan, only filled with Ketamine. Disgusting? Yes, it is, but that's just the way they dose horses in India before they lop their bollocks off. Syringes are relatively expensive over there.
Taking his name from this practice, the Somalian has persuaded Coca Cola to make this reworking of his tune 'Waving Flag' the official World Cup theme song in much the same way as the Indians persuade their horses to eat Ketamine and have their nuts removed. Genius. 4/5
TO
Basta – Gimme Hope Joachim
EMI Germany
I've often wondered what football was really for apart from arousing jingoist fury, national stereotypes and competitive spirit, and a quick look at the YouTube comments about the German World Cup anthem can give you a blatant example of that.
This song indeed stands out for being a somewhat delicate affair among the consensually euphoric tunes composed elsewhere. Tenderly mocking the German team and feigning praise of foreign ones, its video doesn't shy away from lampooning international opponents South Park-style, going as far as giving Switzerland and France quite a rough ride on the gore side. Good job. 4/5
TC
The Skatoons – Come On England
Cherry Red
Man boobs, beer bellies, sun shades and dad dancing at the ready. Like your dad, the video for this is highly irritating but a little cute. Lots of smiley, pudgy papas bopping along to the sound of their own clap clap clap-clap-clap Eng-a-land happy chanting.
These poor sods can't compete with Shakira's midriff. Someone turn the telly on, get these guys a TV dinner and tell them to sit down before they hurt themselves. 2.5/5
NK
Akon ft. Keri Hilson – Oh Africa
Universal/Pepsi
I'll say this for Akon – he knows how to make money. Combining the dual African hysteria for football and himself (having lived briefly in Ghana, lack of running water was nothing next to thrice-daily playings of 'Smack That') is pre-World Cup genius.
Yes, it's as bland as expected – generic tribal chorus, female vocalist sporadically “ooh”-ing, lyrics like “take it to the goal”. But that won't stop it booming out of every window from one end of the African continent to another. Unfortunately. 2/5
SK
The Squad – 3 Lions 2010
Parlophone
One thing struck me when I heard there was to be a 3 Lions 2010. What’s wrong with the first one? Many things ruin this. There’s no necessity for a soprano addition to the intro, or indeed a choir at any stage throughout. Then Russell ‘face you’d just love to punch’ Brand comes in to completely destroy it. Don’t even bother doing the day job, mate.
One point for the inclusion of the interim England commentary. Bring back Baddiel and Skinner, never stop me dreaming. 1/5
RM
Shuttleworth ft Mark E Smith – England's Heartbeat
Yipyop
The Fall’s Mark .E. Smith has really let us down with this one, what with teaming up with some lass called ‘Girl Peculiar’ and making an awful attempt at a football song, which by the sounds of it has nothing to do with football.
"For your heartbeat never wonders, for your heartbeat sent from heaven": the only thing remotely about football is the line "just remember, the pitch in December". Why do we have to remember the pitch in December? Where's all the 'Come on you lads'? Not that I'd have liked that either. 1/5
SRC
Cooper – The Surface
Unsigned
I'm a little confused as to what this song's about – is it really football? "We keep choosing to battle, we are still searching for what we're fighting for, don't even know what we're afraid of..." If I didn't know any better I'd say this song was about America's defence policy. Ba da bum, chhhhhhhh.
Seriously, this is mawkish hogwash but you already knew that. The Yanks won’t win the World Cup but they they might just win ‘World’s Most Schmaltzy Song’. 0/5
EM
Back to normal next week we promise . Here's a good one to keep you going 'til then.
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