Featuring Little Mix, Mick Hucknall, The Wombles and the Cast of the Only Way is Essex...
Shonen Knife – Sweet Christmas
Damnably
Sonic Youth-approved Japanese pop-punk girl group, Shonen Knife, are capping off their 30th anniversary year with a Christmas song featuring a chirpy tune (think three-chord Ramones-style fuzz, crashing cymbals, etc.) and startlingly inane lyrics (“I bake a cake for Christmas party, sweet cake party”).
Even though it feels like you’d only really enjoy it after a lobotomy, its banality and undeniable catchiness sees ‘Sweet Christmas’ approach a level of near-genius. Well, it’s better than the X-Factor puke, anyway. 4.2/5 ODDS 50/1
AJ
Little Mix – Cannonball
SyCo
A few years ago, I worked nights at a faceless warehouse as a way of making quick money for uni. The only station allowed was Fosse Way Radio, and one of the five songs on rotation was the original version of ‘Cannoball’. Playing it three to four times an hour, it actually felt that Damien Rice had been sent by Satan to brutally tear my soul out with the blunt spoon of bullshit indie drivel.
So I was thrilled some bright spark at the X-Factor has decided that this is to be the winner’s single. It’s not that I’ve got anything against Little Mix, I’m sure they’ll be great or whatever, but this song combined with added smaltz and pop key change makes me feel physically ill. Thanks democracy! 2/5 ODDS:13/8
DH
TOWIE – Last Christmas
Globe Records
I've learnt a lot from reviewing this single. For one, the cast of TOWIE don't do rhetorical questions or thoughtful reflections. For another, you probably couldn't pay these guys to shut up. When good ol' George asks “Do you recognise me?” in his ponderous way he's met with “Yeah, mate” and “I thought you were someone to rely on” educes an “Oh shut up”.
There's talk of vajazzles, Christmas jumpers and being reem. But it is for charity so maybe just like the Facebook page for kicks. 1/5 ODDS: 33/1
NK
Mick Hucknall Happy – This Christmas
Simplyredcom
Happy this Christmas- Mick Hucknall (Simply Red) by net.hr
Utterly vile. One of the worst and most unimaginative Christmas songs I've ever heard. It's got it all, jingle bells, church bells, messages about forgiveness and how all the world can unite over this one special day (well the Christians at least).
At one point the creepy sex pest even advocates cheering for Christmas it's that good. If this song was a cheese it would be a Stinking Bishop. Overpoweringly stinky, with a faint whiff of decay. 0/5 ODDS:50/1
EM
The Wombles – Wombling Merry Christmas
Dramatico
Times must be tough for Mike Batt. First he dredged up the Wombles for last year's Glastonbury (Michael Eavis subsequently said that booking them was “a bit of a mistake”), and now he's re-releasing their 1975 Christmas single, 'Wombling Merry Christmas', complete with 'hilarious' X Factor-spoofing video.
The original song was ghastly; this is too. The warm, fuzzy memory of the Wombles TV show that existed in my head has now been trampled to death by out of work actors in stupid furry Jedward costumes. Christmas at its most vile. 0/5 ODDS:33/1
TJ
Merry Christmas everyone!
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