Netti Khan meets a courgette and learns some new tricks...
Tonight I’m escaping the tree-lined streets of Chelsea to attend a lesson on Tricks to Thrill a Man at Coco de Mer. Inside this purple painted boudoir is a gorgeous world of seduction that lies purring behind a pair of drawn curtains, unknowingly orbited by the area's fleets of Range Rovers and pearls.
The intriguing inhabitants of Coco de Mer’s glass cabinets remind me that this risqué world – despite feeling somewhat revolutionary – has always secretly throbbed below society’s straight face; there’s a reproduction of a Victorian china dildo and a pocket mirror that sailors' sweethearts once slipped their lovers' photos in – to affectionately masturbate in their absence. There’s also a library of books including erotic fiction and bondage bibles as well as sex trinkets, couture lingerie and a glowing golden dildo, displaying impeccable posture at the top of a high cabinet.
After a welcome glass of champagne, the lesson begins, and Midori, the renowned American/ Japanese educator, columnist and adventurous sexuality, introduces herself. We'll be learning, she informs us, “hand skills, mouth skills as well as whole body technique”. She introduces her erect rubbery prop – Bob III - who looks pretty unfazed by the crowd of excited ladies that unashamedly stare. Midori wastes no time and takes her chalk to the board to doodle all the rude words we would once have been kicked out of class for.
“Your choice of lipstick as a woman is essential,” Midori exclaims. The best lipstick for a devout dick-drooler is a tingly lip-pumping gloss – so it’s not just your lips that are stimulated when they ski down his mountain. “Maybelline’s heavy duty weather defying smacker is a no no,” she tells us, “for all the obvious reasons.” We’re then reassured that the post-blow job, smudged-eye bush-dragged hair look is in fact a catalyst for attraction in the monkey brain of the other sex. Midori’s conclusion is “to unleash your inner animal” – her performance is endearingly open and I’m impressed.
We’re told to open the party bags propped by each seat, so we explore the contents eagerly. To my surprise I find a mint-flavoured condom, a lollipop, a courgette and a stash of tissues. My imagination starts to wander until I’m swiftly introduced to the contents and the anomalous courgette that she affectionately christens, ‘Bob’. I take Bob in my hand – he’s a healthy eight inches, smooth and hard. We obediently caress him, after smothering our hands in lube, while the sex extraordinaire dictates various pleasurable manoeuvres such as ‘the milkmaid’, ‘peace dude’, ‘the virgin stroke’ and ‘the pepper grinder’.
Next is a magic trick, where we’re taught to slip on Bob’s brand new latex vest with our mouths. I catch my friend’s eye, our lips locked lustrously around courgettes – it’s a memory I’ll never forget. The class continues with fruity ice-lollies that transform to ‘lolly-cocks’ and the class obediently mirrors Midori’s skilful kitty licks, loudly slurping and dribbling while listening intently to her words of wisdom in mastering the art of deep throat.
It’s over before I know it, and we’re invited to sip more bubbles, chat with Midori and have a wander about the lingerie-laden haven. It’s been a wonderful evening – a perfect present for a birthday or hen night – and I slip back onto the manicured streets feeling thoroughly amused, liberated, and eager to do some homework.
www.coco-de-mer.com
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