At the best of times, Fabric resembles a children's amusement park. Full of passages, 'play' areas and nooks and crannies perfect for an adults game of hide'n'seek. Add the fact tonight's a freshers party for London's student population and you cannot escape the conclusion: Fabric is by no means a serious nightclub.
An example of what teenagers can do if they took over the world, or at least Fabric for one night, each of the three 'arenas' and leading corridors is individually themed and filled with alcohol related activities. The main stage includes a human gyroscope, strapping inebriated youngsters in and hurling them sideward and upside down. The majority of takers are girls in unfortunate mini skirts. Basic drunkenness 101 – do not wear a short skirt if you believe your night's shenanigans will have you vertically inverted in front of a crowd. As you can imagine, we see enough to make a doctor blush.
Drawing in the crowds are some pretty big names, although drum and bass legend Andy C is a no show, with a typed apology adorning the walls. For most, though, it's more about the variety of activities than the music. Competitive clubbers in need of some aggression-release take on the jousting tournament – balanced on a pole, holding a foam baton, a shield and dressed in a foam helmet, it's on for young and old. Given the awkwardness of the weapons and the amount of student discounted vodka red bulls consumed, any chance of a fair and robust tournament is out the window.
Inherited celebrity Peaches Geldolf's attempts to DJ are sadly more hilarious than noteworthy. Master of the play button, the now brunette 19-year old socialite/activist wears a pink beret, allowing minions to set up the tracks whilst she gazes out upon her adoring fans. With so little effort going into the playlist, we abandon all hope of dancing to some killer tunes and instead hit the floor with a trusty Smirnoff Ice in hand to show off our classiest cheesy disco moves.
Passing through one of the passages towards the main arena, where a tidy remix of AC/DC's 'TNT' blasts out, you have to be careful not to be pelted by plastic balls from the ball pond where a number of intoxicated revelers are 'drowning'. Speaking of pools, many are looking forward to the novel chance of stripping off and diving into a hot tub inside Fabric – an experience, surely, to remember. However, poor weather and the chance of people getting 'wet' from the rain see this activity cancelled.
Where would we be without VIPs? Even students need a little restricted access from time to time. In fact, the area was open to all but sedate fortune tellers and non discounted cocktails made it a relatively quiet spot.
As the night draws to a close, it becomes obvious this school night party is catered for current students rather than alumni. As the 'early' closing time of 4am draws near, the pre-pubescent looking students are still going strong as the oldies in the crowd started to fade. Their alcopop-fuelled endurance serves to remind us they were in prepatory school when we started university, and sends us silently slinking home in time for work.
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