Yes yes yes, we all know it's Glastonbury this weekend, and if you're reading this then chances are you're not destined for the wilds of Somerset this time around. What put you off; the mud, Jay Z, cash flow, or the fact that there really are better festivals out there? Whatever your reasons, there's plenty to keep you occupied in town this weekend, and we're happy to guide you through three nights of thrills and spills that should help you avoid Fearne Cotton's annoying and mildly condescending coverage on the BBC.
Friday - Central
Start your lost weekend straight from work, grab a few tins and soak up a bit of sunshine on the grass of Soho Square. It's not quite the Stone Circle, but a bit of outdoorsiness never hurt anyone. And if the weather is more suitable to wellies than plimsoles, The John Snow sells booze at a price that would have Hogarth setting up his easel. From there the West End is your oyster, with plenty of stages where you can check out the bands who haven't quite made it onto Michael Eavis's radar this year. Just the other side of Shaftesbury Avenue, Cafe Rocks at Cafe de Paris is one option, while the 100 Club has lad rockers The Secret Members in session. Fancy something a bit more left field? Monkey's Uncle Exotique Cabaret at The Black Gardenia will bring back memories of Lost Vagueness past.
With the drinks a-flowing hunger is bound to strike and Dionysus Kebab House is perfect for grabbing some quick stomach-lining treats and chilled bottles of beer, for the all-round festival dining experience. From there, Messing Up The Weekend at the Astoria 2 does exactly what it says on the tin (in a good way), while Big Night Out at the Roxy Club lacks the bands, but makes up for it in cheap drinks. And they'll probably play some Kings of Leon if you ask really nicely.
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Saturday - Shoreditch
The hippies will be up in arms tonight with the appearance of Jay Z on the sacred Pyramid Stage, so why not join them on the porch of The Foundry, enjoying some sunshine (hopefully) and discussing the state of modern music with the ageing scenesters. From there it's just across the road to Favela Chic, where an exhibition focusing on our current Amy Winehouse obsession should dovetail nicely with her Glasto performance.
Feeling a bit peckish? You could sample the glistening lamb doners on offer in any of Old Street's various takeaways, but you'd be better off with The Diner on Curtain Road, before hotfooting it to The Macbeth for a spot of ska burlesque and a quick game of pool. Should the combination of live bands and scantily-clad ladies prove too much (or not enough) for you, The Old Blue Last is a reliable alternative, with Lord Auch and Jonjo Feather providing the tunes. It is also nicely located for a trot over the road to East Village, with their In The House Basement party keeping things interesting until 4am. Anyone still standing should head to Club Aquarium, where you can take a dip in some techno and electro courtesy of Redlight till 11.
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Sunday - Camden
By now you'll feel like you've been sleeping in a submerged tent for three days, yet push on we must. The Verve are on tonight, but we don't recommend you recreating Richard Ashcroft's 'Bitter Sweet Symphony' aggro walk down Camden High Street. Camdenites are a hospitable lot, but no one wants to get knocked over by some lairy goon in shades.
Begin your last day with some more outdoors drinking on Primrose Hill, the views are great and all that fresh air will do you some good. And if clouds do get the better of things, there are few better places to while away a few hours than The Enterprise next to Chalk Farm station, with its shelves full of dusty books and ever-present crowd of bright young things. Before heading south, the Marathon Kebab House is a great little eatery, good enough to attract impromptu performances from Jack White and Billy Bragg in the past.
Hunger satisfied, head down to the newly renovated Proud Camden, where west London DJ collective Bugz In The Attic curate the inaugural Back To Mine show. It's free to get in and their eclectic mix will get you back in the mood for partying. From there it's a mere stumble or crawl to the Lock Tavern, whose Alternative Glasto party runs until the wee hours, without a tent-peg or rucksack in sight.
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So there you have it. You know full well that your friends who did make the trek will be regaling you with tales of 'the best Glasto ever' for weeks and months to come, but at least you'll have a few drunken anecdotes of your own. And if they really did have a better time, then there's always next year, when the headliners will be Will Smith, Eminem and Howard from the Halifax ads.
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