How to make The Brits less boring!
We’ve got nothing against the Brit Awards really. It’s probably the most democratic awards there are, and you’d have to be a pretty cold human being to have a problem with democracy. In fact, the only problem we have with the Brits is that, like the general political climate in the UK right now, what you can actually vote for has become totally centre right, and stale.
If you don’t believe us, then take a look over the nominations and tell us where all the radical, out there music is. If you’re the sort of person who thinks Jessie J for British Female Solo Artist or Ed Sheeran for best British Male is a ballsy choice, then we feel sorry for you; you’re probably the sort of person who always sticks to korma and finds any ice-cream flavour outside of vanilla way too risky for your delicate pallet. Come on! Rhianna, Beyonce, and Gaga are basically the same person...
British music has a long history of controversy, from the Sex Pistols swearing on kids TV to Jarvis Cocker pulling his pants down at Michael Jackson, and for too long now, the squares have sanitised what we’re exposed to on TV. We desperately need to inject some anarchist tendencies back into the Brits, so here’s our suggestions for some alternative nominations – not because we think they’ll actually win, but more because they’ll definitely go mental and smash something up on the telly.
Best British Single
Eagulls – Council Flat Blues
At the moment the single nominations read like this: Adele ‘Someone Like You’, Ed Sheeran ‘The A Team’, Jessie J ft Bob ‘Price Tag’ Examp-blah, blah blah. Guys, we’re living through the worst recession since the 1930s, so why are you pretending like nothing’s wrong?
We reckon they should throw this Eagulls ditty into the mix. It's four and a half minutes of rage, directed mostly at the crap state of British housing. Also this band is pretty crazy, so they’ll probably end up rugby tackling Cat Deely like Carter USM did to Philip Schofield at the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party or something.
Best International Group
OFWGKTA
OK, we can wholly agree that Fleet Foxes, Foo Fighters and Jay Z are all pretty solid nominations for this category, but Maroon 5? Seriously? We’ve talked to a lot of people doing this job, and we can say with all certainty that nobody has ever said they actually liked Maroon 5.In fact, we’re starting to think that there’s something sinister about their popularity, like they’ve been planted by the CIA to brainwash us or something.
Anyway, if you’re just throwing names out there to make the numbers up, then why not give OFWGKTA a punt? They won’t win or anything, but watch this video and tell us they wont go utterly crazy at the awards show.
Mastercard British Album of the Year
SBTRKT - SBTRK
The nominees for the Best British Album is another snore-fest to be honest. Yeah, that Adele album was pretty good, but we wouldn’t slap it on at a house party or anything (unless we didn’t want anything broken) and let’s be honest, if some jerk put on Coldplay’s ‘Mylo Xyloto’, then we’d slap the guy in the face and storm out.
How about something that people actually danced to last year? That SBTRK album was pretty much everywhere in 2011. Does that not merit a mention? Ask yourself this: how many times did you walk into a club and hear Ed Sheeran blasting out of the speakers, and how many times did you bust a move to ‘Wildfire’? Exactly.
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