Pre-Valentine's Day dumping: where not to do it.
So you’ve decided to break-up with your girlfriend and, unless you’re a totally heartless cad, or she's utterly psychotic, you might feel a bit bad about it. A lot of people fret about the right words, and what polite excuse they'll come up with, but so many people neglect to pick the right venue for this delicate operation. Nobody likes getting dumped, or indeed doing the dumping, and there probably isn’t a great place to do it, but there are certainly plenty of bad places.
For one, there's The British Library. Now, a library might seem like a clever choice for a relationship dissolution, but it’s likely to backfire on you. “My girlfriend wouldn’t cause a scene in such a prestigious and revered venue as the British Library” you say. Wrong! As your sobbing ex-paramour mops up her tears with first editions, you’ll be sternly lectured by notoriously scrupulous librarians while harassed PhD students glare at you.
Choosing The South Bank is harsher than you think. It alludes to a nice, gentle stroll along the river with a comforting, familiar view of the city but if you think it might ease the pain of a broken heart, then think again. There are 24 bridges between Chiswick and Bermondsey. Don’t tempt fate.
Consider London Zoo. Ah, the Zoo, surely the perfect place to break someone’s heart? Yeah, they’ll be a bit upset but then you can just point nearby and say; “Ooo Look! A monkey!” Unfortunately if you’re there on the weekend the place is teaming with children. And let’s face it, if you’ve got time to go to London Zoo on a weekday you’ve got bigger problems than an over emotional soon-to-be ex girlfriend. Breaking-up with a girl when she’s surrounded by children is tantamount to kicking her in the ovaries. It’s just cruel.
Speaking of cruel, avoid Cemeteries please. Westminster Abbey and Highgate Cemetery are both big tourist attractions. I find cemeteries quite relaxing; they’re a pretty reminder of the cycle of life and you can see where your favourite writers are buried. Some people think they’re a bit creepy though, and on this occasion a cemetery will only remind her that she is going to die, and now probably alone.
And the only place worse than a cemetery to dump your girlfriend is The Royal Artillery Museum I mean really, are you mad?! They’ve got guns there! Avoid.
If you’re lucky enough not to get dumped before Valentines Day this year then start making some plans with Spoonfed’s guide to Valentines Day in London.
Alice Roberts
Thumbnail image by B Rosen.
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