Basically we want more boats and more Patrick Stewart.
If you keep up with London theatre news – and who doesn't? – you'll know that a swarm of celebrities, including Bond girl Gemma Arterton, have popped up on our radar of late. We generally turn our noses up at such things, obviously, but the likes of Lily Allen, Amanda Holden, and Robert Lindsay are all lending their talents to West End adaptations and that got us thinking about the live shows that no one's thought of yet.
Some astute fellow already came up Doctor Who Live!, Flash Dance is on its way this autumn and Fatal Attraction is soon to be on stage, complete with bunny boiling scene. So here are our Top 10 West End adaptations we'd like to see:
10. A Clockwork Orange
Oh 1970s, you have so much to answer for! Especially the dire architecture and this tagline: “Being the adventures of a young man ... who couldn't resist pretty girls ... or a bit of the old ultra-violence ... went to jail, was re-conditioned ... and came out a different young man ... or was he?” Actually it's bloody great and we'd gladly see a West End version of this based on the tagline alone.
9. Bad Taste: The Musical
The plot: The population of a New Zealand village is dwindling as more and more people go missing. New Zealand National Air and Space Defence League are sent to investigate. They find that the staff of Crumb's Crunchy Delights, an intergalactic, alien-run fast food chain are planning to make human flesh the newest taste sensation. It's a real film and it should be a real show, with a big budget to boot.
8. Mean Girls
How fetch would this be! In our heads it's Legally Blonde quadrupled with boobie rain sensors.
7. Star Trek
This would be epically hilarious!. It'd have to be strictly based on the Next Generation TV programme and Patrick Stewart needs to play Jean-Luc Picard otherwise there's just no point.
6. Gladiator
For the simple reason that some lines need to be said live to audiences of polite theatregoers, particularly after a well choreographed, bloody and grotesque battle, hopefully featuring a tiger or two. Gladiator is obviously packed with great lines, but near the top surely is, "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?"
5. Titanic
Tricky to pull off, but the rewards would be huge – this goes for any show set on a big-ass boat, which there really should be more of. If Patrick Stewart could be persuaded to grow a beard he would make an excellent captain of the ship.
4. Kill Bill
Any Tarantino film on stage would be awesome. We've plumped for Kill Bill for much the same reasons as Gladiator – the theatricals and the one liners: “Those of you lucky enough to have your lives, take them with you. However, leave the limbs you've lost. They belong to me now”.
3. Annie Hall
Or perhaps a musical based on The Collected Works of Woody Allen since you really only need an old man with insecurities and a lithe young thing with a Daddy complex. No biopic required.
2. The Matrix: The Musical!
If we could buy up the rights we would, but alas... Fear not however, this has to happen soon. We'd give Agent Smith a solo about identity crisis or maybe an Eminem cover, and can you imagine the Red Pill Blue Pill song?
1. Twilight
You knew it was coming. There's a demand, it has to be met. Why would you not want a live musical show – probably set to Belle & Sebastian – about the sexual tension between humans and half-beasty things?
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