Weekend Guides: Alternative Glastonbury

Not going to the Glastonbury Festival? Just relax, there is an alternative.

Glastonbury is upon us once again, and when I say us, what I really mean is them. I'm not going and for all you other sad sods who aren't going either; well, there is light at the end of this particular tunnel. Your despondence may now turn to joy. Luckily you populate a city like London and truth be told, there are some seriously wicked happenings going down on the Glasto weekend. Therefore, there is no need to stand knee-deep in mud, wait in horrendous queues for loos, food and beverages in order to have some fun. Instead, you can strut London's streets and utilise the multitude of shindigs occuring from 23rd to 27th June.

As all your chums head off to Pilton on Wednesday, you need not stay home and watch rubbish television programmes whilst eating an unsatisfactory ready meal; cheer yourself up and head to quality stand up as Feature Spot presents Stewart Lee. Or if nothing but a bit of everything will erase the Glasto longing there's a mish-mash of poetry, stand-up, literature and music at Homework. Running all weekend, Tapas Fantasticas is a free Spanish food and wine festival organised by some jolly good wine-making folk from northern Rioja. It's nice to know you can wallow in Spanish delights, as opposed to paying £20 for a decrepit hot dog. At some point you could saunter over to a gallery and indulge in a little culture; SALON (LONDON) presents Secret with new work by Noemie Goudal whilst The Weiss Gallery exhibits some dandy Rennaissance portraiture.

If you're fed up with the indoors there's always the festival vibe which commandeers Hyde Park. Hard Rock Calling gives the trees a good shake and shimmy on Friday, Saturday and Sunday with the likes of The Hives, Pearl Jam, Ben Harper, Jamiroquai, Corinne Bailey Rae and ahem, Stevie Wonder who, cough, is also playing at Glasto cough. You don't needs hundreds of pounds to enjoy the quality Glastonbury provides; you just need Hyde Park.

Thursday sees Kansas indie punk band, The Get Up Kids, play in Camden so all you trendies will have a chance to stomp out any frustrations and greet the weekend feeling less dejected. A worthwhile mission to Kingston and low and behold, The Cribs perform at a Glastonbury Warm Up Gig! If you think London seems lacking in dance floor temptation, you are quite mistaken. Any disco house cravings which a festival line-up could foster disappear as Friday night sees the Filthy Few present Anti-Glastonbury at Bar Music Hall. For some monstrous techno, Z-Shed vs Coin Operated hits you hard and fast free of charge. If tasty bass is not for you, you could partake in an evening of theivery? Friday night also sees Future Gallery present Lazer Maze, where you are actually requested to commit a felony!

Your outlook is brighter but a greyish cloud still lingers overhead – then there was Saturday. Metal heads can trudge off to Camden for London Deathfest XI and for those bereft of black clothing and countless piercings, check out pop punk quartet, The Gaslight Anthem, in Brixton. The only place to be if you'd prefer the sounds of Ben Watt and Chris Woodward, is Buzzin' Fly at Cable where We Fear Silence presents another ripping night filled with house music. If you choose to eschew this option, there is always a little dubstep at the Rhythm Factory courtesy of Further. By Sunday, Glastonbury's existence has become a vague memory and its image is now rather dishevelled. To completely erase the notion of Glasto, simply head to the Lock Tavern, where you'll find Jon Carter's Block At The Lock. A stellar line-up proves suspiciously free, but you know what they say about looking a gift horse in the mouth; don't do it.

As the weekend comes to an end, you'll sit back and reminisce on a jam-packed, Glasto-free few days, devoid of glutinous mud, crusty tent packing, overcrowded arenas, bossy security staff haggling for the presence of a wrist band or discomfort and woe induced by some loo tipping buffoon. Rest easy dear Londoners, all that lies before you is helluva good time.

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Image courtesy of cotidad.