Things To Say and Douieb - Eye Hand It To You

Things To Say and Douieb - Eye Hand It To You

28 May, 2010
by: Tiernan Douieb

Stand-up comic Tiernan Douieb finds a running theme in today's blog. Amputated body parts to be precise.

Sometimes day have themes unintentionally. Today for example, I have had a baked potato and got my Rage Against the Machine tickets. What theme could today possibly have? Well my baked potato was slightly overcooked and crispy and set the smoke alarm off, much like Rage Against the Machine. Ok, so today hasn't really got a theme. Or it might do. Who knows the possibilities of turning up to my gig in Tenbury Wells tonight to find a mashed potato effigy of Zach De La Rocha? So, days have themes sometimes, and yesterday was a themed day. Its theme? Well oddly enough, it was amputated body parts. Not the best of themes. Not something you'd have as your windows backdrop theme or something you would get excited knowing a theme park was based on. “Come to Decapitation Station! So much fun you'll lose your mind! Literally!”

So, why this theme? Well here, dear readers and reader's wives (tee hee) is reason one: Whilst driving on the M60 on my way to the gig last night, I saw an object bounce towards me on the motorway. I stared at it as the jumped along the road towards me car. My first thought was whether or not it was big enough to be a threat to the vehicle. No, no it wasn't. I like that this was my first thought. I'm fairly sure it makes me an awesome driver. Then again, I also know that if I decided it was a threat, I'd probably then think "Let's fucking take it" and see what happens. Which makes me a terrible driver. Though I'm pretty sure I could take most things. FACT.

Anyway, as it wasn't a threat, being that it was far too small, I then tried to work out what it was. It was flesh coloured in tone, had what appeared to be five small appendages coming off of it, one stumpier than the rest, and a looked very much like a human hand. Then I realised it totally was a human hand. Well, not a proper one. I worked out when it bounced and the thumb snapped off that it was a prosthetic human hand and as my tyres went over it and I heard a nasty crunch, I was fairly sure a proper human hand wouldn't have made that sound.

So then, the further questions. Where had it come from? Had it been lost by accident when trying to throw something else out of the window? In which case, its deserved as you shouldn't litter. Though saying that, they have only ended up littering more, so still not good. I like to think someone, whilst driving decided that they no longer wanted to pretend they had a hand, and so threw it out of the window with the one hand they did have whilst steering with their knees. Or crashing. I hope it was the former and if you were on the M60 last night and saw someone steering very much to the right (it was a left hand) then please let me know.

The second part of the themed day happened while the excellent Jason Cook was onstage. Whilst compering I had met a man in the front row who was a psychiatric nurse. I wasn't 100% sure what to say about such matters so made an awful gag about how psychiatrics aren't as good as magic tricks, questioned him on some other stuff, insulted his son, and moved on. Jason had very kindly said he'd close the show, but I decided to watch his first ten minutes before I left and I'm glad I did. A very accomplished compere, he decided to ask the nurse what the worst thing he'd ever seen was. Good question.

I have personally got some great tales from such questions to nurses. My favourite was a student nurse in Bucks University who was dealing with a patient when sadly he died. Not too uncommon I suppose. But as he died he projectile shat, and as he was wearing a hospital gown it flew straight into the nurses face and mouth. Quite possibly the most horrendous story I've ever heard. Also extremely funny. So when Jason asked this man the same question, we expected similar laughs. John, the nurse took a deep breath, and without warning just said "One patient cut his own eye out."

What John forgot to do there was self censor. Sure it’s the 'worst' thing he's ever seen, but he was at a comedy club. He must have seen a funnier thing? Something not quite as sick? Or maybe, just maybe he did find it funny. In which case he was an wrong 'un. Maybe there were jokes around the hospital for hours after about how the phrase 'an eye for an eye' doesn't work. Perhaps commenting on whether he wanted a new apple iPad etc. Whatever the reason, there was a truly awkward silence for a few seconds. Jason very carefully told of much funnier stories he had heard and everyone resumed back to normal gig enjoyment after hearing the worst thing ever.

So you see the day had a theme. Then to top it all off as I drove past a pub in Burnley on the way home, there was a man outside who was clearly legless. Legless? Arf. Boom boom. Sigh.

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