Things to Say and Douieb - June 24th

Things to Say and Douieb - June 24th

26 June, 2009
by: Tiernan Douieb

This article comes courtesy of comedian Tiernan Douieb's blog

SIMULATED LIVING

Fat Tuesday was a bit bloody brilliant last night. Both Richard Herring's and Pete Firman's previews were nothing less than excellent. It was a sell-out too with a number of the crowd being members of the Twittering community. It still feels odd meeting these people in real life. This could be because they often speak in longer than 140 character sentences. I did not think they were capable of such things, which may be why I often stifle conversation with them. Also if I say something that makes them laugh they don't immediately say it again with RT in front of it. This is not right at all. They were a lovely bunch though and added to a great crowd.

One I hadn't met before was Steve, whose username is @finsbury. I started following Steve because I was fiddling with my iPhone and used the nearby search to look up Twitterers near me. As Steve used the name 'Finsbury' in his name, I knew he was local so followed him on a whim. I told him this yesterday and he expressed some dismay that I was not following him because of his hilarious wit. He is quite funny, but even if he wasn't, I am a member of the old school who believe you should support the local area massive. Both Steve and his girlfriend were very nice and I ended up giving them a lift home as they live right near me. I was thinking of offering a lift, but then thought that that might be weird seeing as I have only just met them. Then they, devoid of all etiquette, just asked me for one, which made it all ok. I now know people in my local area which is nice. It has taken my belief that the internet is ruining social activity and thrown it oops upside its own head. I stand corrected, like someone with an artificial spine. Twitter is a hub of social loveliness. A man called Andrew (@dr_whom) is sending me a hat in the post and someone has already offered to buy me wine if I can get Andrew Maxwell on Twitter. It’s like if the Matrix met Camberwick Green. I hope we can all meet up, all several million of us and have a village fete at some point. With cakes, and a jumble sale.

Speaking of 2D communities, I downloaded the Sims 3 for my iPhone two nights ago. I'm not quite sure what I was thinking. It was as thought, for a second, I completely forgot about everything else I had to do in the world and decided that I had more than enough time to control the life of another tiny person. My Sim is called Randolph, after the one reader of this blog. Randolph's character traits are to be friendly and funny, but I am spending a rather large amount of time trying to steal a Sim called Jack's wife, Jill and piss Jack off so much that he punches me. I'm sure this isn't the point of the game, but I keep finding it immensely satisfying watching tiny pixilated Randolph kiss tiny pixilated Jill in front of tiny angry pixilated Jack until a message pops up saying 'you are now Jack's enemy', followed by 'Jack has made you leave his house.' That's right, I steal Jack's wife from him in his house. I am a fucking legend. Randolph is like the computerised version of Richard Gere in American Gigalo. And Jack is like a stupid dick. At some point I have to make Randolph shower, eat, go to work and go to the loo, but at every opportunity I will head back to do Jill right in front of Jack. I'm hoping there is a secret part of the game where Jack goes mad and shoots me and Jill before shooting himself.

I remember when I used to play the Sims at my friend Ali's house in the 1st year of Uni. We created a character based on Mat (whom I have mentioned in this blog many a time before). Only entering a few character traits, Mat developed very much like the real Mat. He was lazy, didn't go to work and would never cook but often ate. Then we attempted to get him to cook and on his first attempt his set fire to himself and the kitchen and died. Such is the brilliant nature of computer games, that Death then appeared and the rest of the Sims pleaded for Mat's life. Death said no as his life wasn't worth saving. Both Ali and myself found this very funny. Mat (the real one) did not, but oddly has since taken up a penchant for cooking. I am scared how much time it takes to play games that control other people's lives. One day they will invent a Sims game, where all the Sims can just sit and play Sims, occasionally checking Facebook and Twitter and never leaving their house till they wither away. Their Sims game character can be doing the same, as can theirs, creating an endless spiral of lazy, RSI suffering, gaming nerds who all die through malnutrition.

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