Stand-up comic Tiernan Douieb submits his official review of last night's political rumpus.
I only listened to the first 10 minutes of the final political debate last night and within that 10 minutes, what I understood was it was generally Cameron going on and on about how Brown has fucked everything up. Then you had Brown telling everyone that Cameron would fuck everything up. Whilst in between Nick Clegg must have felt a bit like a child who stumbles into the kitchen to find his parents having the sort of argument that may lead to divorce. He kept popping up and saying "Hello, why can't we all just chat about this a bit?"
It was admirable until he realised it didn't work and then changed format to the pointy kid at the playground, who, while the other two are fighting just says “well you're both dicks” a lot. This was then retaliated by Brown and Cameron ganging up together to patronise little Clegg about how shit his policies really are. It was much like an episode of Grange Hill I felt, only with the 'Just Say No' message being applied to the other parties.
What I got from it really, is that I still don't have a clue who I'd like to run the country. According to polls that were made and analysed by papers owned by Tory supporters, Cameron won the debate last night. I'm not sure how he did this, as once again no points appeared to have been allocated by anyone and what he kept saying was that the working people would generally be punished for living if his government gets in via extending the retirement age and freezing public sector pay. I mean, he didn't say it like that. He used clever explanations like saying that "Labour's leaflets clearly cost £6 bazillion to make so we should probably stop leaflets. No more leaflets anyone. Ever. If you have a leaflet you're breaking Britain. Oh and by the way, millionaires, feel free to keep even more of your dosh."
Brown's mistake was not coming straight out and saying "I'm the PM. I can say what I frikkin' like. You're all bigots. And idiots. And you there with the glasses, you're a dickhead and I hate you." Then run around high fiving everyone. I mean, sure, most of the country would hate him for such things, but I think it'd be ace. I bet if Obama called someone a 'bigot' or some other slur everyone would spend days telling the 'bigot' that they totally got served.
If I ran the country I would so use some of my power to call people whatever I liked and enjoy it. This is probably why I am not running the country. Sadly instead Gordon 'Eeyore' Brown just appeared a bit like a sad senile old lady who just kept repeating the same thing over and over again "We are the only party that can deal with economic recovery." They possibly are, but unfortunately Brown isn't shiny like Clegg or Cameron and looks like he's anti-botox causing an inability to smile, so therefore, televised debates really aren't in his favour.
And Clegg. Well everyone likes smiley, happy Clegg. But while he is smiley and happy, can he actually do the big job? After the ten minutes I heard and the various radio shows and talks afterwards, there does seem to be an air of excited kid about Lib Dem policies. "Oooh and then we can get rid of that and do that and then we'll go there and change this," none of it having all that much explanation as to how it will work.
Last night on BBC West Midlands ( I only listen to the coolest stations) on the way back from Wolverhampton, the Solihull Lib Dem MP was talking about how they will just scrap university tuition fees. Brilliant. I'm all for that. Then the presenter, and the Labour, Tory and other guests all questioned where the universities would get funding from with the country in such a deficit and unable to help. And she kind of just mumbled a bit and self-faded out. I also use that technique of getting out of difficult arguments. But again, I am not aiming to run the country. Actually, I am, but realistically I have as much hope of getting anywhere near the seat as anyone from UKIP. Ha.
I've really enjoyed the televised debates and I hope they continue to happen. It means people have gained a much bigger interest in this election than they have in a while and it feels like more people than ever are actually paying attention to how the country should be run, which is brilliant. I'll be honest, it hasn't really changed my decision as I've already decided who I'm voting for but it’s based on the individual campaigner, not his party. My local MP has always been awesome and I'd quite like him, his anti-war, left-wing and general good views to stay, so that sorts that out then.
Read more of Things To Say and Douieb.
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Photo credit: newbloodart.com
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