I'll pass on that tent, thank you very much
Praying for rain at a festival you’re not attending might be the regular route for sadistic people looking for a peace-of-mind replacement, but it’s also one of the most bitter things you can do. When you hit fourteen and a half you should be able to accept the fate of your summer without Googling weather-related witchcraft, you evil little weasel…
This weekend, Glastonbury makes its annual appearance and if you didn’t manage to secure a ticket or were put off by the limp line-up, you don’t need to mope about and wallow in your own self-pity: take advantage of the weekend, it’s over-flowing with events.
This Thursday night, Conor Oberst and his Bright Eyes clan bring their neo-country to the Royal Albert Hall to play songs from Oberst’s umpteenth release, ‘The People’s Key’. New-age hip hop messiah, Big Boi, will be hitting up Heaven and tender pop-punk souls, Jimmy Eat World, forgo over-priced microwaved swill, middle-aged pissed mums in cowboy hats and bar staff dribbling on acid for the comfort of the Kentish Town Forum.
If you’re feeling completely bereft of the camping experience you could head over to the Barbican Pit Theatre. On Thursday evening they offer something of a luxurious sleepover experience in the form of ‘Lullaby’. You can book single, double or even triple beds for this theatrical dream that’s designed to send the audience to a cosy slumber without the faint echo of some once-a-year gig-goer spouting his inane blabbering in the background.
When Friday comes rolling round you have a pick ‘n’ mix of options. The Z Shed and Coin Operated are joining forces to bring a free evening of filthy bass-driven happenings at the Rhythm Factory. Indie figureheads, White Light, are putting on an Anti-Glastonbury show at The Lexington with Part Chimp, Hey Colossus and Pale Horse, while Pony Pony Run Run burst their Chromeo bubble at Rich Mix.
Friday also sees the opening of Lights Are On But Nobody’s Home. Taking Place at Standpoint in Hoxton, this portraiture exhibition features the work of, among others, Turner Prize-nominee Glen Brown and the brilliant Nadine Feinson. Meanwhile, works by Kevin Coates will also be on show at the Wallace Collection over the weekend with his alluring sculptures exploring a variety of themes, from alchemy to the passing of time. Gaze into the retina of innovation or queue to release fluids over a humming pit of excrement? It’s a tough choice…
On Saturday evening there are funnier things going on than Chris Martin’s self-righteous ramblings on the Pyramid Stage. The Pajama Men’s shape-shifting comedic elements are getting comfortable at the Soho Theatre. They arrive in the UK to premier their new comedy thriller show which involves alien abduction and the spirit of adventure – and there’s not a hallucinogenic in sight.
Elsewhere, Trojan Sound System go full throttle at the Horatia in Holloway for a full live performance that kicks the heck out of U2’s tax-avoiding arses. Oh, don’t forget Beyonce performed a special show for dictator Gadaffi’s son, so if you go to see her you’re technically putting coins in the pockets of people who love murdering and genocide and all that rank stuff, or so I’m told.
Never one to let us down, The 100 Club plays host to Alice bloody Cooper on Sunday night. This intimate rarity makes a change from the usual sold-out stadium shows. However, if open spaces are your thing, Rod Stewart will be shaking his 66 year-old booty at Hyde Park as part of the Hard Rock Calling anniversary shows. A trio of events that always offers the people of London a Glasto alternative, this year’s Hard Rock shows also feature The Killers on Friday and Bon Jovi on Saturday.
If you’re still not happy, then there’s clearly no pleasing some people. London’s packed with mud-free, reasonably priced goings-on this weekend and we’ve just crammed days of stimulation into a pocket size nugget of information. Go enjoy yourself, man, and if all else fails, sacrifice your family pet to the Gods and hope for a downpour of Biblical proportions.
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